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Need to let it out!
Posted 12-Sep-2008 at 12:29 by potbella
Well... I don't really know where to start... I am really panicking now... I can feel my heart racing and dared let everything cos I might just stop breathing if I do.
I feel so numb.
My dad has been very ill... and getting worse over the last 2 years. Nobody has been able to tell us what is wrong with hime. He is only 48 and it all started with a broken rib when he was moving stuff in the garage. Since then he has had several more broken ribs, which are very stubborn to heal. He has had several bouts of pnuemonia, gout and last year it all came to a head when he had appendicitis but didn't even realise as he has been in so much pain anyway over the last 2 yrs. He is on an awful lot of drugs... morphine being one of them and every time he goes to the docs they just seem to increase what he has.
He had to give up work last year due to his illness and we were paying their mortgage for them until we could get a buyer for our house so that we could buy theirs (so that we could save them the hassle of estate agents etc). 1 day after the house sale went through and they moved into a council bungalow my dad collapsed and was rushed into hospital. He had undiagnosed appendicitis which burst and caused peritionitis. He ended up inn intensive care and was unconcious for 3wks and we were told he wouldn't survive.
Eventually he woke up but it was awful... he couldn't speak properly, eat properly, walk or anything. He was so weak. It took another 2 wks before he could be moved from intensive care and he came home just before xmas (AND MY BDAY) so was very happy. We still didn't know what was wrong overall and he has been carrying on with various trips to various different specialists at different hospitals. He has had his morphine increased from a 25mg patch to 200mg patch over the last year and he is now undergoing more blood and urine tests.
I have just spoken to my mum who has said the doctor has contacted them to come to the house to see my dad so they can test for Bence-Jones protein in his urine and blood after a scan last week which showed 'several abnormalities' in his ribcage (no kidding!). I have justed looked this up and it is a test for leukaemia/myeloma.
I am so scared as we have a history of this is my family... I have lost a couple of cousins (mums side) and my grandad is currently undergoing treatment (dads dad) for leukaemia. I just don't know what to do or say. I am sat crying as I write this as I daren't talk about it. I have dreams that my dad died and I lose contact with my mum (we don't get on very well). I don't know how I will cope without my dad there. He is my best friend. I nearly lost it last year when he was in hospital and seriuosly considered running away (even though I am 30 with 3 wonderful kids and a wonderful husband). My mum seriusly shut me out when the doctors were giving info when he was in hospital and everyone was relying on me to pass on the info to them... we have a really BIG family - dad is one of 6 kids and mum is one of 7! They were all using me and my brother as primary contact and I don't think I can do that again... I don't even like most of them!
All I keep thinking about is how strong I am expected to be for eveyone else and how low I am feeling. I was once told my my medium that I am very close to my dad and that one day we will work together as mediums... since Nov all I have thought about is that this will probably be after my dad has gone and he will be relaying messages to me. He has been 'teaching' me things and encouraging me for a few years now and I think he also feels the same.
Sorry about going on I just need to get some of it out of my system before I rot away.
I feel so numb.
My dad has been very ill... and getting worse over the last 2 years. Nobody has been able to tell us what is wrong with hime. He is only 48 and it all started with a broken rib when he was moving stuff in the garage. Since then he has had several more broken ribs, which are very stubborn to heal. He has had several bouts of pnuemonia, gout and last year it all came to a head when he had appendicitis but didn't even realise as he has been in so much pain anyway over the last 2 yrs. He is on an awful lot of drugs... morphine being one of them and every time he goes to the docs they just seem to increase what he has.
He had to give up work last year due to his illness and we were paying their mortgage for them until we could get a buyer for our house so that we could buy theirs (so that we could save them the hassle of estate agents etc). 1 day after the house sale went through and they moved into a council bungalow my dad collapsed and was rushed into hospital. He had undiagnosed appendicitis which burst and caused peritionitis. He ended up inn intensive care and was unconcious for 3wks and we were told he wouldn't survive.
Eventually he woke up but it was awful... he couldn't speak properly, eat properly, walk or anything. He was so weak. It took another 2 wks before he could be moved from intensive care and he came home just before xmas (AND MY BDAY) so was very happy. We still didn't know what was wrong overall and he has been carrying on with various trips to various different specialists at different hospitals. He has had his morphine increased from a 25mg patch to 200mg patch over the last year and he is now undergoing more blood and urine tests.
I have just spoken to my mum who has said the doctor has contacted them to come to the house to see my dad so they can test for Bence-Jones protein in his urine and blood after a scan last week which showed 'several abnormalities' in his ribcage (no kidding!). I have justed looked this up and it is a test for leukaemia/myeloma.
I am so scared as we have a history of this is my family... I have lost a couple of cousins (mums side) and my grandad is currently undergoing treatment (dads dad) for leukaemia. I just don't know what to do or say. I am sat crying as I write this as I daren't talk about it. I have dreams that my dad died and I lose contact with my mum (we don't get on very well). I don't know how I will cope without my dad there. He is my best friend. I nearly lost it last year when he was in hospital and seriuosly considered running away (even though I am 30 with 3 wonderful kids and a wonderful husband). My mum seriusly shut me out when the doctors were giving info when he was in hospital and everyone was relying on me to pass on the info to them... we have a really BIG family - dad is one of 6 kids and mum is one of 7! They were all using me and my brother as primary contact and I don't think I can do that again... I don't even like most of them!
All I keep thinking about is how strong I am expected to be for eveyone else and how low I am feeling. I was once told my my medium that I am very close to my dad and that one day we will work together as mediums... since Nov all I have thought about is that this will probably be after my dad has gone and he will be relaying messages to me. He has been 'teaching' me things and encouraging me for a few years now and I think he also feels the same.
Sorry about going on I just need to get some of it out of my system before I rot away.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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Aw, PB
You always have ears and shoulders here to help you share the load. Never feel like you can't talk about your troubles, because that's when they become too heavy to carry.
It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your father, so carry on enjoying your time with him. I'm sure he appreciates you just as much as you do him!
Big love, strength and best wishes
xxxPosted 12-Sep-2008 at 14:21 by Bunny
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I hope it is good news, but if it is not, hopefully he can get the treatment that he needs. It must be hard being the point of contact for the families, have you spoken to your brother about this? My grandparents were both seriously ill last year - my mum is one of 7 and all of her siblings have children (I have 2 sisters and a brother). We eventaully arranged a system where she would send a message to me, and I would pass it on to my siblings so my mum didn't have to keep repeating stuff.Posted 12-Sep-2008 at 14:50 by Ani
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Thanks you two. I didn't want to depress anyone (... or for you to think I am some sort of depressive!), I just needed to get it out of my system. It has been building up for a while and I have been having these feelings on and off since Nov. I am feeling much better this afternoon. It just all gets too much sometimes. We have been told he should hear something within 2 wks but more likely sooner rather than later. Thanks for letting me offload. xxxPosted 12-Sep-2008 at 15:00 by potbella
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Off load all you need PB, that's what we're here for....the highs and the lows. I'm sorry to hear that your Dad is having so many problems and I hope they can shed some light on things. I will be keeping everything crossed for you and your Dad. Sending lots of love
xxxxxxPosted 13-Sep-2008 at 10:54 by upsy daisy
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sorry to hear that you r having a tough time with your dad being ill, you r strong you will do what you have to do, thats all we have to do at times like these x big hugs to u and ur family.Posted 13-Sep-2008 at 14:03 by macdonz
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I'm so sorry you are going through all this PB, I hope things get better soon. x Thinking of you and your Dad xPosted 14-Sep-2008 at 21:13 by RainbowGoddess
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