I get asked alot about the arguments thing... 'but you are all women together' 'Women are ALWAYS ¤¤¤¤¤y when they get together, its nature' bla bla ....my argument is that by our nature women are caring and nurturing - yet somehow we get 'taught' that being together means ¤¤¤¤¤yness and unkind comments - I saw in a mag yesterday that Lily Allen had been ridiculed for not shaving her underarms, photos the lot. Pot and kettles, thought me, no one can live up to that media dahhling plucked to perfection nonsense I bet they were sat in the office ridiculing her and then double checking their own underarms. Shouldn’t be like that. I think Lilly totally rocks she tries her hardest to remain normal and not get sucked into that media 'perfection' rubbish but it must be hard living in those circles. When she was a size 14 and wearing trainers with dresses and not giving a damn she was at her best in my view, I’m sure she just thought 'stuff you' when she saw the pics and the ridicule but I wonder if she always checks now... its a bit of underarm hair - so what - jeeeeezzzzzzzz, last time I checked I don’t think that makes you a psychopath.... so why the social outcast? and BY women in a mag FOR women.

It’s all that kinda stuff I despise, women being anti women - if it were up to us would this be the kind of media world we wanted to create? or would we do great things with it? Raise awareness, educate.....what does it achieve to reduce another woman to tears, to make her feel rubbish, to zap her confidence? Over something like what size she is, what she is wearing or in forum land - that her spelling isn’t great, that she struggles to get her point across, that she can’t yet work out where everything is in this huge house of SMNET? We dont entertain such nonsense here, you get taken under a wing, supported, guided... why cant the 'real' world be more like this?

This forum may be unique because there is no bear bating and no nasty comments...... but I think there are a few reasons.. one we all want, and passionately want - to care for pregnant and birthing women, what kind of carers would we be if we let ourselves get dragged into the 'women being anti women' game? I wouldn’t want to be cared for by someone who was going to expect me to turn up with a spontaneous onset being perfectly waxed, plucked, buffed, polish and in full hair and makeup. Funnily enough alot of women labouring or not - don’t have the time and money to look like a cardboard cut out everyday.

Ok so we have established we are all pro women, advocates, standing up for women when we need one another most and on the forum we are very supportive, kind and caring - all the traits you’d expect from a good midwife and a decent human being in my view.

So why then might we look at these mags and think 'Oh lily you beast!' or slyly say to our friend in the street 'What IS she wearing?' and then snigger away. In the past I was guilty as charged and for me it was projection. I was unhappy with me so if I projected this onto others I wouldnt have to deal with it and also it deflected any attention away from me. But for some years now it hasn’t been that way. Maybe as the first grey hairs came as the first soft lil line around my eye, I thought ok so I have a fat belly but my youth is beautiful, however rotund it is! From there the celebration of being different began. Sure I dye my hair, but it’s not to 'hide the grey' (how familiar is that phrase from advertising campaigns?) it’s because I like having every hair colour going. I’m in no way perfect I will still sigh and poke and prod myself but I work on it, always mindful that its me I’m being mean to.

I’m 5' 9 and have been anything from a size 16 to a size 30 - oh yes, I did say 30. Right now I’m an 18/20. I stand out. I like 'different' clothes, always a huge flower in my hair, some polka dot dress or skirt and often some wild hair do....You cant miss me, but all the time I was wanting to be a petite blonde that blended in people were calling me 'amazonian' 'awesome' 'stunning' they liked my difference. In time I did too.

I remember reading a book about FGM when I was about 19 and the author a great feminist said 'Now I am older my worries about my weight are transferred to my face, its ageing, I’m getting old' she decided that there was no point in either, you are who you are, you look like you do, yes you may be able to shift a few pounds here and there but who you are wont change. She decided worrying about it was a lost cause. That was always in the back of my head when I would pull myself to bits in the mirror for not looking like I thought I should and slowly it dissipated....

So do me a favour, next time you feel inadequate because you don’t think you live up to media images and stereotypes, remind yourself that no one looks like that. Airbrushing isn’t available in a can (yet!) so be who you are. For me it was always height and weight, for you it may be you feel too skinny - not 'media womanly' - you have protruding teeth - large ears - the list is endless.

Confidence is a great thing, that also doesn’t come in a can but it comes in you. If you let your own self confidence and self esteem grow then your confidence matches it pace for pace...... before you know it the little things wont matter and the big things will.

Hands up who puts their face on to pop to the shop?

Hands up who has made an excuse to get out of a night out because 'nothing looks right'?

Hands up who looks in the mirror and says 'I look okayish' in their head when they are all dolled up to the nines?

I challenge you this, to be a REAL advocate for women, to REALLY support other women we have to start with ourselves. Other women aren’t 'competition' to be slaughtered, they are like you and me, trying to navigate this wild ride called life, they also think the same negative stuff about themselves that we do... so why make it worse? Would you like it if someone came along and laughed and made fun of you because they filled their bra and you didn’t? Because they fit in a size 10 and only one of your thighs would?!...

So that takes me back to Lily. Maybe she wont be checking next time she goes out, maybe she’s already there, thinking 'so what? At least Ive recorded a great record today what have you done? Oh yes shaved your underarms - congratulations'..... the big things and the little things.... arms pits or art & music.... you decide.... imagine a world with no music, art, literature by women - because all the women were too busy plucking and buffing - what a sterile, pale world it would be. It goes for men too, the last 20 years has seen a huge increase in mens mags and images of the perfect male body... you can even get pec implants for men.....

So, let it go over your head, dont let the colour be taken out of your world....