Friends think I'm selfish and self-centred?

Hi all,

I don't post very often I tend to read posts but don't comment..ironic really when you read further.

I feel I need to share something. I have recently discovered that 2 of my oldest friends (of 15 years) have been 'discussing' me behind my back. One friend in particular has an issue with me... that I talk about 'babies' all the time and that I'm self-absorbed and don't care about anyone else.

This has been very hurtful for me to find out and to be honest I was quite shocked as I consider myself very considerate of others and and would go out of my way to do anything for my friends. I know some of her comments are mere misunderstanding and assumptions on her side (which she never questioned me on or told me how she felt).

We recently had a massive argument about the public sector strikes (I never really have arguments with friends) and she made a really personal comment about me and I walked out as I was so angry and hurt, we've not really spoken properly since, she has apologised via phone and text. But now I find out her views on me generally I'm starting to wonder why she's still my friend.

I think when I look back I do talk about midwifery a lot, but to be honest that is all I do now, I don't have a social life, I don't go out, I don't have time to read non-midwifery books. My friends also ask me how uni is? or how's placement? delivered any babies recently? so obviously I tell them. I'm starting to wonder whether I don't know when to shut up or whether I need to just not talk about myself at all. At the same time I know that when I'm passionate about something you can't shut me up.

I struggle with small talk, always have especially with new people. I tend to not ask inane questions of people unless I really want to know the answer. Is this bad? Have I got some sort of deranged personality trait, which means I just don't care? Or don't care enough? The thing is deep down this has really hurt, as in previous friendships that have all finished (some ended quite badly) they have all said I only care about myself and don't listen to other people. It seems I may have a problem?

I guess I want to know if anyone else has come across this sort of problem with their non-midwifery friends? do they get bored of your midwifery talk? Does anyone else suffer from lack of small talk skills? or talking too much?

Thanks for listening (sorry if I've gone on a bit! as usual apparently)

Oh Hun! Sounds like you need a huge hug!!!

Believe or not my husband said the same to me on news years eve!!!! He said... Why do you have to talk about going to bloody Uni all the time to everyone you see!! This hurt me also. But I put it down to him feeling a little inadequate as he has no qualifications. Or maybe I do talk to much about my self. I talked to my friends about this and they all said not to be silly, as he's comment did make me paranoid.

To be a midwife you have to be considerate and caring towards people, so please don't doubt your self.

I also have a friend who will not talk to or ask me about how I was getting applying for midwifery!! People become jealous and bitter. As sometimes they wish they did more with their life , so by taking the lime light off them selfs for feeling inadequate they knock us for it.

TRUE friends except you for who you are chick, for your good and your bad!! You win some you loose some! You are the important one. Look after your self as no one else will!!!

Chin up chicks x

Don't beat yourself up hun. I'm not a student midwife so I can't give you that perspective but all i can say is, you sound very proud of what you're doing and the very fact you talk about it alot means it's incredibly important to you and you shouldn't need to bite your tongue just to make other people happy.
x

I have massive lack of small talk skills. I remember going to a party a few years back with my husband, and I didnt know anyone, I asked him to tell everyone I was a mute... hahah obviously jokingly.... I tend to find I can ask questions but I hate talking about myself when people I dont know talk to me, I just think that I am so boring and I have no idea why people would want to talk to me or hear the answer to such inane questions about me. Its strange as I am intrested in others. I am a quite person and I like listening to others and often people think I am stuck up and snobby as I am shy and struggle to make small talk.

My close friends would totally disagree with the above and say I never shut up. Which is true.... but these are people I have known for 10+ years (and some new peeps I have met at uni....but sometimes you just 'click' with people) usually it takes me a long time to become friends with someone and feel comfortable with them.

As for midwifery talk!! I dread them asking because I know they are asking as they are interested... but they are only interested to a point..... so I just give them a quick basic answer or say 'just tell me to stop talking when you have had enough!!'. My husband gets the brunt of my midwifery talk, and my mum... she comes round for tea once a week and we have some wine and no matter what I end up prattleing on about midwifery. without fail. I am sure she will stop coming soon!!

True friends will love you no matter what. Sod the rest. It might not feel like you have many, but its those true ones that count. I often wonder about people who seem to have loads and loads of friends...what would happen if they REALLY needed them....are they all REAL friends.

hope your okay xx

I said jokingly to one of my friend's "oh my word, what has midwifery done to me" because it's made me so more confident and talkative...and as we've just done a sexual health and contraception module I keep talking about the coil and unplanned pregnancy! My husband's reponse was "all midwifery has done is put your mouth into turbodrive!". Needless to say, I was not amused; he also apologised lots as it was an off the cuff remark he didn't mean as it sounded, although I do think there's an element of truth in it!!!!
Midwifery does take over our life - as you said, we hardly see any non-mw friends, read anything non-mw, it'll be worth it in the end.
My justification, is my husband asked how i'd feel if he talked about his work as much as I talked about mw, but the difference is, mdiwifery, women's health, women in general - that's not work, that's something that applies to approximately 50% of the population. So it's not talking about work per se, it's about being passionate about women!!
Rant over!!!
x

If I had to listen to my husband talk about his job as much as I talked about midwifery I would SCREAM. hahahh!!!

Sending you lots of hugs!

Your friends sound like they are feeling abit left out-you have this huge new passion in your life which they don't share with you and cannot understand. It's abit like when you have a new baby, and try as you might, they are pretty much the sole topic of conversation-it's hard to understand unless you are or have been in the same boat!

Don't give yourself a hard time about it-the truth is it can be hard when we see our friends change (which is an inevitable part of embarking on this kind of vocation)and sometimes that is because it highlights things within ourselves that we feel uncomfortable with.

Do you feel you are good enough friends to be able to get together and discuss this in an honest, sensitive, caring way, explaining why you feel hurt at each others' behaviour?? Perhaps then you can both understand where the other's coming from and find out how to make things better.

On a personal note, I know I have become a total midwifery bore-I do warn all my friends to tell me to shut up when it gets too much!! It is actually even more of a pleasure to talk to them about their non-midwifery lives now too though, as it can all get too much sometimes! My partner doesn't let me talk about any of it with him, but in return I don't have to listen to hours of computer programming and search engine optimisation talk....zzzzzzzz!!!

Good luck xxx

I wouldn't let her perception of you get you down. You are clearly doing a job you love, so what if you talk about it a lot? Better than most people who just complain about their jobs.

I find small talk difficult as well, and I've been told I come across as stand offish, and even scary (by my OH, none the less), at first, when in fact I'm just awkward.

Just because she thinks that about you, doesn't mean it's true, so don't be hard on yourself, and find some better friends who don't talk behind your back!