How do you feel before a shift?

Thank you for your replies everyone. I know it's all my own decision etc, it's just so hard to even contemplate because when I'm off all I think about is midwifery, but when I'm there all I think about is my children. I know midwifery will be there in the future, but if not now it could become a very long time in the future and I don't think I want that.

TBH it sounds like a cop out but my intention has always been to work part time once qualified so maybe once I've done the training it won't be so bad. If I get a job in my current trust there are quite a few midwives who do part time and the coordinators and matron all seem pretty happy with the arrangement.

Jolene, I'm so sorry you feel the same as me - because I know it can feel heartbreaking, but you sound exactly like me at the minute and it's comforting to see that I am not the only one. Others in my cohort are coping fantastically and some are actually enjoying the time away from their children and I am a bit envious that they can do it without making the fuss I do.

Today ended up a really good day actually, and before I knew it it was 12, and I was on an early so that was fine.

I keep telling myself to hold off a decision until I'm in birth centre, as I know I'd forever regret it if I quit before experiencing placement there as I won't have given the course a fair chance.

I guess lack of support doesn't help, I know when my family etc tell me I'm doing well or they are proud it really lifts my spirits but it's a pretty rare occurrence and I never hear anything like that off my partner. I often think no one thinks I'm doing a decent job so whats the point. I know I'm not doing this for praise off of others, but I think sometimes I do need encouragement that I'm doing ok.

I had a meeting with my personal tutor who was so, so kind and I ended up in floods of tears talking to her last week. I keep now thinking what if she tells other staff members and they think I'm weak and pathetic but hopefully she won't because she is very supportive.

I had a bit of a boost today when I saw a lady I saw antenatally in my last placement and she was lovely and told my mentor how happy she was to see me and asked me to go to theatre with her and her husband bought me chocolates, when i didn't even do anything... but it was just nice to have someone actually seem to appreciate something I did for once. And it kind of reminded me I'm doing this for these women!

I don't know, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you all again for you messages and sorry for me wittering on! x

I don't feel the way you do, if I have 3 long shifts in a row, due to travelling time I don't see my children from the night before the first to the morning after the last and while i miss them a little and am excited about seeeing them when I actually do, I don't feel bad about not seeing my children when I am going to work - but then I feel bad about not feeling bad IYWIM?

Like potbella though I am enjoying spending more time with them as they get older and while I am enjoying seeing my little one grow up, I haven't enjoyed every moment playing with them as babies and I was bored of being a stay at home mum. We're all different, there is no shame in that and if it turns out to be best for you to stay at home with your little ones and do midwifery when they are older then you won't have failed or let anyone down.

I think you should wait until you see how you feel on next placement though, it could just be you're not loving this placement and that is altering your perception about everything else, I felt the same way leaving my eldest when it was to do a job I hated.

crossed posts Penguin, glad you had a better day today! xx

I think you're right iris. This morning i was in theatre and strangely loved it, and didn't miss my littlies half as much, but later on went back down to the ward i'm doing my current placement on and couldn't wait to leave and started clock watching again, couldn't stop thinking about being home with them.

Thing is, I can't just pick and choose what aspects of care to take part in once qualified can I

Keep crossing posts lol! x

True but it's a whole different kettle of fish being a 1st year to being a 2nd and 3rd and (I imagine) totally different again once qualified.

As a 1st year you feel a little bit in the way on the ward and combined with a mentor with little time for a student it is completely different when you feel more competent and really feel you are making a difference. I felt how you feel about this placement in my 1st year but in 2nd year I loved the same placement and I'm looking forward to going back as a 3rd year with more confidence again compared to 2nd year.

ETA the attitues of midwives in general change as you progress too, in 1st year they don't really make you feel that welcome, 2nd year is a bit better and in 3rd year they are positively thrilled to have you there and you feeel more a part of team xx

Thank you Iris, that's really good to hear . You've made me feel quite a bit better tonight x

That makes me feel :bounce4:
It will get easier - both the course and leaving your children when on shifts. You learn so much so quickly, you'll be amazed by the difference in how you feel confidence wise on placement as you progress x