I need some normality!

I do know how you feel hun- where I trained was 'all-risk' so whilst I had my fair share of complicated births, I was mostly allocated low risk to give me the best chance of getting my catches in. The complicated deliveries I was involved in scared me half to death as a student!

When I qualified I moved trusts- and have worked on a high risk labour ward ever since. It has also been a baptism of fire and you really do hit the ground running- and are expected to adapt quite quickly.

It does sound like you've had a bad run of poor outcomes- and I promise you that will break and something a bit more normal will come your way at some point, but these runs are more likely in a high risk environment.

Sometimes I feel like on a high risk ward we get kind of the 'dregs' of labouring women- when dim lighting and the MLU way aren't possible, or fail, then we step in to ensure these women and their babies come through safely. It's not always enjoyable, but it is important work.

You will find your feet- it can be exceptionally difficult in the beginning, when you're working with an unfamiliar team of people in an unfamiliar environment being overhwhelmed by the things you see- often you don't know where things are and you can feel utterly useless, especially when the you-know-what hits the fan and you're flung against the wall whilst everyone does their job around you.

Have you followed up any opportunities for de-briefing? The cases you've been involved in, particularly the maternal death, can be very traumatic and going through records or having your questions answered can be a very important part of accepting and reflecting on what happened, so that you can move forward and not be utterly terrified forever that it will happen again. If you have a named Supervisor of Midwives, I really recommend getting in touch- they are an invaluable source. Is your mentor supportive too? She can be incredibly valuable in helping you to realise what, if anything, you could do better next time to stop you feeling so much like you won't cope if it happens again.

It's important to try and recognise the value of high risk in terms of your clinical skills- the learning opportunities are numerous so really jump in there if you can- try and ARM, try and put on an FSE, have a go at putting a couple of sutures in if your mentor feels confident enough to do so- these are things you will have to do when qualified, and it's much better to get a head start as a student.

It is tough- but you're not there for normality- you're there to experience what happens when that label no longer applies. You're there to support women through the many and varied complications that can arise. These women's birth experiences are important too, and by trying to give them the most positive experience you can, you may find that, sometimes, the cases can be very rewarding.

Keep that chin up- unfortunately high risk is a necessary part of being a midwife, and we all need to 'do our time' so to speak.

Lots of love and luck- and hope something enjoyable and straight-forward comes your way soon xx

The other thing to remember is just because you view it in one light it doesn't mean the woman does - I remember looking after one woman who had a GA for suturing because she had a cervical tear and lost a couple of litres - I felt bad, thought it would have been a terrible experience etc - went and saw her the next day, she THANKED me for her having a good experience, in her head she'd gone through labour without an epidural, she'd pushed her baby out herself she'd done it all as she wanted and there was just a little 'blip' afterwards that wasn't anything to do with the birth itself

Everyone will go through a run of bad things at some point, your mentor is likely also saying 'what have I done/am I doing?' but your run of lovely normal births will come too.

Although I'm a low risk midwife through and though - hate all the monitors and things that go beep - but I learnt a lot through my high risk and I get a big buzz from securing normal for high risk women

Plus, much as this is horrible when you are going through it, it stands you in such good stead as a NQM than those who get through training without any emergencies

It sounds like a horrid horrid time and a proper debrief would seem indicated! It must be so hard not to let these experiences linger and drag you down. Of course tragedy should never be run of the mill or like water off a duck's back, but without proper support these could be debilitating emotional memories for you. You care when things go 'wrong' but you are there to support them to the best possible outcome for them and I'm sure you are a positive influence on whatever dramas nature serves up to these women and their families. Take care x