It feels like I'm drowning :(

Azalea · Jan 20, 2012

Please feel free to ignore this... I'm acutely aware that a lot of my posts have been utterly miserable lately but I need somewhere to release and here feels like a safe place.

I am really really struggling with everything at the moment. My friends and fmily, mentors and lecturers have this impression that I'm a great student and supermum and I'm not. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm ready to crawl into a hole and sleep.

I'm sat here in tears as I write this. My boys have been screaming for days as they have yet bother chest infection and all I can think when they are like this is why? Why did I think having another baby was a good idea? Why wasn't I content with what I had? Why did I think I can carry on and do this course with not one but two babies? Why can't I cope?

I feel incredibly guilty and selfish. My older children are amazing and are propping me up, they have been cooking, attempting to clean, looking after their pets and each other. I feel o rubbish as they should be able to come home andbe normal teenagers not help to keep the house and everything. My house is a tip and I don't know where to start with it or have the the time or energy to do anything about it.

My mum is ringing every two minutes over the stupidest things, I even blocked her on fb as I couldn't cope with her ringing every time I said anything to anybody. I feel terrible as she is my dads carer and struggling to keep him at home, she is basically his nurse and cant leave him alone pretty much anytime now. She has night carers twice a week but the rest of the time is doing obs, medications, hygiene, moving him, oxygen etc 24 hours a day for him. I want to help but they live half an hour away by car, I have five kids and pets and am snowed under with uni work. She rings all the time to let me know how much she is struggling and makes me feel even more guilty. She has barely left the house in two weeks. O can't go and take the boys as he will end up with their chest infection which could be the last straw for him.

To top it off I have gotten my worst ever grade for uni this week. I am struggling keeping up with work and feel so far behind. I don't want to just pass... I want to do the best I can but feel like I am not. Every time I try to study someone interuppts me, crying babies, mum ringing, kids telling me what happened at school. My study days have been cancelled as the boys haven't been able to go to nursery cos they are ill and I'm just so fed up. When I do sit down to study I'm not taking anything in, my brain feels foggy and I just want to go to sleep...

It feels like I'm drowning and I don't know how to make it stop... Everything feels out of co trol

Penguin · Jan 20, 2012

Oh potbella, please never apologise for posting in here, it's good to get it out and you know we are all here for you.

I am actually feeling the same as you sometimes, and I feel ashamed as I am only a first year and I only have two children.

I feel jealous of other mums in my cohort who have people to watch their children so they can study or whose children are at school, because my study time is in the middle of the night, which kills me when I'm up at 4.30am to start a shift.

You need a break, you need someone to help you - you're in 3rd year and I cannot imagine the pressure that entails - when do you finish? I can't remember where you live but if you ever need babysitting duty and I'm off, please feel free to use me - I'm a good babysitter I promise and my boys love the company.

You need someone to take them for a couple of days and so that you can RELAX as well as getting any studying done you need to and so that you can catch up on as much sleep as you can.

I don't know about your mum, I don't really understand the situation but if she is harassing you you need to block her number and all contact until you are in a better frame of mind to deal with it. Send her a message and tell her that you need to concentrate on uni and your family if you want to graduate

I hope you start to feel better soon potbella xxx

Vixen · Jan 20, 2012

Aww I think we all feel like that at some point in our lives! It seems like you have soo much going on that it's no wonder you're finding it hard to cope.

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and maybe you have some friends who could give you a better hug and maybe look after the boys for you for a day whilst you get some studying done? Maybe telling someone that you don't feel like supermum would help lift the pressure off you and you might feel a little better?

V x

JolenePolene · Jan 20, 2012

Potbella, hugs love. xxxx

Dharma · Jan 20, 2012

Awwww Potbella

I am rubbish at saying the right thing so here is a

I am sure you are doing brilliantly, your older kids sound amazing and i am sure they are very proud of you. Your so close to the end, try to keep going .

Can their dad not help you out more?

D
x

Wozza · Jan 20, 2012

Potbella don't ever apologise for coming on here to moan, when you're feeling low make sure you DO come and post. We're all here for you to sound off to.

Massive hugs xxx

Damara · Jan 20, 2012

Massive hugs!

I'm not a student midwife (yet) and I can't imagine how much pressure you must be under while doing this.
My situation is slightly similar only in that my mum is a stroke sufferer who is in hospital currently and my dad is her carer on a full time basis when she is at home and we keep trying to convince him that he can't manage on his own as she requires 24 hr care due to being bed bound.

He does the same thing as your mum and is on the phone alot and I know how tough that can be. I have four kids and live 30 mins away also. And the level of guilt i suffer is huge, especially when I get frustrated with him. The day before my Huddersfield interview he was shouting at me because he was frustrated.

You really must not beat yourself up. You deserve some time to yourself, you sound like a superwoman to me.
I am mostly useless at saying the right thing but wanted you to know you're not alone. Xxx

BluePixie · Jan 20, 2012

Aw Potbella! Don't apologise for anything - your posts are NOT always miserable and even if they were we love you anyway and are here to listen.

I can't imagine for a second how it is that you actually manage to raise five kids AND do a midwifery degree, so hats off to you for that one. I think the reason that you feel so snowed under is because you ARE snowed under! The last thing you need now is to be made to feel guilty about your dad. I'm sure it would be great if you were there to help your mum, but realistically speaking can she not see that you just simply do not have enough hours in the day as it is?

Like I said, to me it seems obvious that with the amount you have going on, you would feel quite tired and run down, but if you are really wondering why you're not coping and it's not immediately obvious to you that YOU are, in fact, amazing, then perhaps you are depressed? I think the best thing for you would be a weekend in bed and some serious help from everyone around you, but I realise that's easier said than done. Get to the GP and discuss it with them, they may be able to help you see that you are in fact doing a hell of a lot and perhaps it's not so surprising after all that you feel it's all a bit too much.

I'm also willing to help if there is any way at all to do so for you, but I have no idea where in the UK you are so pm me if you like.

Sorry if this is a bit of a disjointed response, I hope you understand what I mean though.
xxx

Lil Miss Sunshine · Jan 20, 2012

Big huge hugs xxxx
The reason you are having everyone thinking you're fantastic is because you truely are. You feel like you're drowning, well i'm not flipping surprised you feel like that. You are coping with a huge amount of pressure to do everything that you are doing and you are allowed to have days where you feel like crap and yes, sometimes even the most incredible students get a mark in an exam or assignment that they're not happy with but in your circumstances you have done exceptionally well.
Your kids sound fantastic trying to help out, this is what being a family is about, everyone has to chip in and it's teaching them responsibility as well. They have obviously been brought up really well because I tell you what, my 13 yr old does next to nothing around the house lol.
My children can really test my patience at times, I think every mum goes through thinking their kids are driving them bonkers
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself hun, your kids are loved, fed and cared about.
As for your mum, sometimes we do need to avoid mothers... i know i have been avoiding mine, not through lack of love but lack of wanting to be driven even more insane i admit i have had the phone off the hook and one time she was getting on my nerves so much that i had to pull the phone cord out the wall mid conversation and pretend we got cut off because i just needed some breathing space.
Can you take some time off just for a few days, still send the little ones to their childcare (i think you once said they go to nursery but can't remember) and leave the house as it is and get a takeaway for tea... just one day even?
Even though you don't think you're coping well I still think you're incredible for getting through each day with everything you have to cope with. You really are xxxx

MidwifeMummy · Jan 20, 2012

potbella - hunny i can't begin to imigine how much pressure you year 3 students have, without the added pressure of home/family life.

It definatly sounds like you need a break, why dont me meet up for lunch, or have a cheap uni breakfast one day? i'm back in uni on the 20th for 3wks. xxx

Log in or Sign up

It feels like I'm drowning :(

Azalea Well-Known Member

Penguin Moderatorgator

Vixen Member

JolenePolene Well-Known Member

Dharma Active Member

Wozza Moderator

Damara Active Member

BluePixie Maderator

Lil Miss Sunshine Welfare Moderator

MidwifeMummy Active Member

Share This Page