Member's difficult case on community- please read and reply x

This lovely SMNET member and student, has experienced a difficult event in community and would like to post anonymously for support from her SMNET family.

Please read and reply xx


I'm hoping nobody sees me as being judgmental when I say this. I'm not judging them, I'm just not sure how I'm feeling at the moment and I don't really know what I'm thinking.

An off duty police officer reported to a midwife on the postnatal ward that the man who was just leaving with his partner, and a baby, was a registered sex offender. Midwife got in contact with social services to see if this was true as there was nothing in the notes, only that he has supervised access to his other daughter. It was then discovered it was true. The man was charged with grooming a 13 year old girl and links to up to 40 others.

My mentor had went in on Sunday and said that she left, shaking. She felt tense and there was an atmosphere. I tried not to think about it too much and focused on what we were doing.

When we went inside, he was stood by the TV, staring down into the chair where a beautiful baby girl was sat. I introduced myself and started checking the baby over. My mentor told me to be looking out for signs that she was being hurt. I gave her to my mentor. She told me she was going to look at her vaginal area to check he hadn't been touching her. She slowly took her nappy off. My stomach was in my mouth at this point. I held my breath. There was nothing. She was perfectly healthy. I obtained the blood spot test, whilst my mentor chatted to the Mum and Dad.

I noticed Dad's position in the room. He stood with his hands in his pockets at the closed door. He watched our every move, like a hawk. He was tall and he was big built. He was quite intimidating in appearance. But his mannerisms and character didn't reflect his stance. His eyes gave it away. He was distant, and it appeared like he wasn't in the room. When he was watching my mentor, it was like he was trying to read her mind. To see what she was thinking, feeling or if she knew. His voice was quiet. He mumbled a lot to us. They made little conversation. There was so much tension in the room. You could have cut it.

What my main problem is, my mind is running away with me now. I can't stop thinking about if something bad happens. I know it probably won't but my mind is running away from me. I cried on my way home because I'm so worried that we might miss something. I'm also worried that I'm being judgmental. My mentor told me that I did do well and it wasn't apparent that I knew about his past. I can't help but think that because this man being a sex offender I may have treated him differently? That I've perceived his "normal" in a different way? That I'm assuming that he's going to hurt his child because he's an offender? Was I just being more aware?

I really don't know what I'm thinking about today and all this. I'm crying writing this. I don't know what replies I'm expecting to get from this. A little reassurance? Some help in knowing I've done all I could?

I think you should be proud of the way you acted in such difficult circumstances. Anyone woukd be hard pushed not to feel some degree of judgement in this situation, but what separates you is whether you act on those thoughts. And you didn't, you remained professional. X

I hope that you're able to talk to someone at uni, and that sharing your experience on here will help as well.

Hugs xxxx

Its natural you are feeling this way - I'm assuming social services have been involved in this case and that they are investigating (if not then a referal needs to be made - if you are EVER in doubt then ring them (obviously as a student your mentor will do this) even without the sexual offender bit the only supervised access with his other child rings alarm bells

There is a difference between a 13 year old and a baby (not saying either is right but there is a seperate term for someone who is interested in younger girls who have started to hit puberty) so I wouldn't necessarily be too immediately concerned for this baby.

The other thing to bear in mind is we all do sometimes treat people differently because of what they've done, I remember once looking after a couple, was told he was a schedule 1 offender, had been charged with having sex with an underage girl - social services were involved but were happy for him and his wife to keep this baby (their second, eldest was about 3 and also lived with them) and I felt really weird about it - then found out afterwards the wife was the 'victim' when she was 14ish and he was 18 - they were still together, but he still had that label on him

Others have had their child taken off them, and yes it is hard to not show the way you feel, and you do act slightly differently it's human nature

Generally though if ever in doubt ring social services

I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you do... i feel faint just reading about it. Nor do i think you're being judgemental, more like having normal feelings towards the protection of a child. At least social services are on alert and will be keeping an eye on the situation. I'm so sorry that i can't offer advice except to talk to the uni or your mentor about it. This is one thing that i haven't actually thought about in applying to do the course and become a midwife.
I just hope social services are keeping a careful eye on him. And I know that i sound judgemental here but what mother in their right mind would let her child around a sex offender? I know we are not supposed to judge and i know everyone has reasons for things but if a mother can't or won't protect her child from being around a sex offender then hopefully social services will. Please no one feel that i'm being mean, i just feel very protective of kids as they're helpless.