Still birth/maternal deaths..how do you cope?

Hey guys,

I was just wondering how you cope with maternal deaths or stillbirths? I understand that unfortunatly it's part of the career i so desperatly want but it doesn't mean i can still get my head around it. I'm currently reading 'When a baby dies' produced in co-op with SANDS. It makes for very emotional reading and I keep trying to put myself in the parents position (for those who havent came across it a majority of the book is made up of true stories from parents experiances). Alot of the stories make me angry about the way the family were treat after losing their baby. Feeling so passionate about midwifery and wanting to support a women and her family through good times and bad I cant help but feel irate when the women has had a bad experiance due to her midwife.

Just looking for a general discussion really. Understandably this isn't something I want to broach with my family when none of them have had to deal with this. I obviously understand it's not easy but what do u or what would u do if u were the midwife in that situation. How do u feel you'd react, how much of your emotion would u let show in front of the parents etc etc

xxx

I think I would not try to hide my emotion from the family, obviously, as Iolaus said not lose control but show that their baby was an important person and deserves to be acknowledged as someone who has died. Something that has stuck with me is that every single thing you do and say will be remembered by that family forever so I would probably measure ever word I said, I'd use the babys name if he/she had one, hold and treat her just as if she was still alive.... talk to him, tell him what a beautiful boy he is and what a lucky mummy and daddy he has etc.... god I'm welling up just thinking about it. I have a huge interest in bereavement (not for any particular reason, it's just in me) and I have spent a lot of time looking into how to become a specialist bereavement midwife, such a small part of the job but so so important. Looing forward to hearing every one elses views.

I think too that it is ok to show that you are emotional about the experience, otherwise the parents may asume you dont care what they are going through. I would probably try and focus on the positives and point out to the parents something like their perfect little hands or tiny perfect feet. I do agree with bossdog on the whole talking to the baby and holding him/her too. I beleive you should be there with the parents and encourage them to hold their child too.

Not sure if people will feel the same. My ex mother in law had stillborn twins who at the time she couldn't even look at, she didnt even know they were girls until a family member told her once she was home. Very sad!

To be honest I never thought about having to go straight into another room iolaus, I just expected to stay with that family for a while but of course u will have other women under ur care :/

I think that is something I would struggle with, with both maternal death and still births..querying whether there was something else I could've done...

God Iolaus that experiance u talk about must have be terrifying. The ability for infants to bounce back (at times) astounds me. It must've been a very happy visit to her. I also think, like u, I would have to force myself back to next shift but would feel better for it.

From my reading bossdog I totally agree with what u say about how clearly the parents will remember that time and what happened within it. I would also treat the baby same as u..i dont think i could do it any other way to be honest. Although I am totally dreading the first time I witness this and just hope I can hold it together.

Since reading this book I also have a keen interest in becoming an SBM, I think being a midwife is amazing but helping familys through this time, although extremely difficult would be an honour. From the stories I've read regarding parents who had negatives experiances I just felt like I wanted to rewind time for them and for me to be there and try and help them. I just couldnt believe some of the treatment the parents had received. The parents not being given the chance to see their baby whether they wanted to or not. and one i distinctly remember where the parents had spent a few hours with their baby then allowed the midwife to take him away, but as they were leaving thy saw their baby lying alone in a crib in a dark room (with the door open) with no-one with him and I just felt horrified. I understand this was probably not done on purpose but i just felt so sad for the poor mum.

xx

aaww that is sad labelle. From that book I also read about parents regretting the fact they turned down the opportunity to see their baby as their emotions were too raw when first asked. I think parents should be asked orginally and maybe asked again after they've had time to take it in abit. but them i wouldnt know whether this would cause them further distress?

x

I'm half way through 'The Calamities of a Trainee Midwife' and have come to the bit where....

SPOILER




Hillary has to deliver a baby that had died around 5 days previously in utero. Quote the book -
''I had never seen something so ghastly in my life...''
and
''To my horror, I found that having delivered the little child, I could not bring myself to touch her again.''

This worries me in all honesty, and scares me. I felt I would be able to cope in these situations... but now I feel I'll just fall to pieces?
Do any of you know of midwives who simple can't handle it emotionally?
I just hope I can remain calm with my women... :/
JX

AAWW LittleMiss that's horrendous makes me so sad. I do think it will be very hard but I like to think I would be able to cope to help create some happy memories for the family. When I think about it I just try and put myself in their shoes and consider how I would like my midwife to act. To be honest I don't actualy know any midwives personally however I do know my friend's aunty is a midwife who had a still born son herself and that makes me wonder if - god forbid - i was to be in that situation whilst being a practising midwife - whether I could cope with going back to work

x

I would definitely be worried about hurting the baby i know that.

How often would you say you come across this situation iolaus? x