Mum and dad split up when I was 17 dad went with a woman 20 years his junior, kicked me out of the family home and moved her and her 2 young kids in, few years later they got wed, mum hates her, she reciprocates really, me and her don't see eye-to-eye, and my dad spends all his hard earned money, has cashed pension plans in early etc, now paying for her daughter through uni (I mean rent, fees, accomodation spends the works!!) whilst I'm lucky to get a £20 argos voucher at xmas!! Mighty fine eh??? Me and his step kids well we don't see each other, we don't go to my dads he comes here once every 2 weeks or so, I love him to bits but he's a silly silly man at times, I feel like his parent!! I have 1 brother who has married into the most complex family ever (even he cannot keep up with who's who) and my grandad, has been with his girlfriend (it amuses me this term, for a man at 76) for many years, she is just J... to me, all his money (which there was once many many thousands of) gets spent on her family haha, the men in my family are suckers basically!!

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Oh wow sooz. Even when my sister was fostered with us she still seemed just like a sister to me. One girl who spent a lot of time with us while her parents were getting divorced I also call my sister, she doesnt have the same birth mum or dad as me and we never adopted her as she had her family there but she has always been known to me as a sister (she is the deaf one I posted about). My elder sister (birth sister) struggles that I call my deaf sister my sister as she thinks that it takes away the loyalness of being a sister if you call people it who arnt but in my eyes she spent so much time with us when we were growing up she might have well of been adopted.
My younger sister (adopted) is very much my proper sister. I am really strict with her as I suppose we are with children or very younger sisters as we know what things mattered when we were young and what affect they have on our lives now.
But even though I tell her off, in teenage terms ground her when I go up to leeds (she loved to be grounded she thinks its cool) and generally pull her back in line, I am the only one who she will quite willingly tell me she loves me. She struggles to show others the same love yet I suppose when she see's them every day its bound to be like that as she see's me at most once a month. She has also told me she's coming to live with me when she's 16!
Gosh I do garble on dont I??? sorry
sooz do you use the adoption uk boards?
X

I have a step mum, My dad has been with her for about 13 years now but we never got along. She used to bully me and threaten me when i was at my dads saying that my dad was hers now and I couldnt do anything about it. when i was 12 i walked from my mums house to my dads on fathers day(was about an 30 min walk) to give my dad a fathers day present. My step mum took one look at me said"he's just about to have his dinner" and shut the door in my face.
After constant abouse from her when i was 13 i decided that I couldnt take it anymore and moved in with my mum permanently. After that I only saw my dad on birthdays and christmas. it was a horrible time.
Now that i have a daughter tho things have got better. I see my dad more often and even get on with my step mum!She never had children of her own but she treats abigail like her own grandchild and i respect her for that .And now that she has been diagnosed with cancer and seeing how devestated my dad is I realised that she is everything to him. I realised that she is going to be part of my life no matter what and she has been for these last 13 years.

I also have 2 sisters.one is my half sister and a couple of years ago i stumbeld across a message (after googling my own name!!how vain!!) off someone trying to reach my mum. It turned out to be my brother ,who had been put up for adoption at birth!!
we have met up with him a few times and are getting quite close!!
xx

edited to add: My mum never remarried. she decided she was going to put her children first as she saw how me and my little sister were treated by our step mum and didnt want the same thing to happen with a step dad.I feel a little guilty for that but my mum is far from miserable!

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Ok - I was in a nuclear family until age 13 when my disabled father was shipped off to a Cheshire Home (we couldn't look after him any more at home as he required lots of nursing). Two years later he died. I was 15, my sister was 13. Mum had a nervous breakdown and I got left to cope.

At age 20 I married my OH and we had 4 kids. When my youngest was about 5, mum remarried a man 25 years her senior, so I gained a step parent, even though I wasn't living with them - he is now in an old peoples home with senile dementia.

One of my kids became a single mother in April 07 and due to her mental health illnesses, OH and I have had to take over full time care of the baby. So we have 3 of our kids living at home, and my DD's baby.

Also last year, I found out that I have a half sister that I knew nothing about who is 2 years older than me. But boy, she is my double. She moved to Cyprus 2 years ago, but before that she lived only 15 miles from me, and we didn't know about each other.

Families certainly are becoming more diverse.
KS x

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Kentish Spitfire
Moderator, Student Services
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"It's better to be thought a fool - rather than proved a fool!"

Very true KS and Ive witnessed many more versions and varities in practice I think having a different kinda family set up has helped me understand the ones I come across in practice. An example, next year my sister is marrying her gf of 14 years. It will be the boys first gay event as such, they hang out with my sister and her gf and we've never hidden the fact they are gay its just not an issue. Apart from when lil man asked who they were marrying at their wedding and when we said eachother he looked surprised and then asked if they were still having candyfloss. As long as there will be candyfloss hes not bothered whose marrying who lol. They have gay aunties and its no big deal for them.

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Gosh it really is funny the things that kids come out with and the way they choose what we would class as irrelivent things to help them cope with a situation and yet it helps them such a big deal.
I am really going to miss teaching and hearing all the funny stories that they tell me, one girl on saturday told me, when we were doing our exciting news from this week exercise, that her mummy got a baby in her tummy so her mummy and daddy had to get married and that the baby came out of mummies tummy button after the wedding and the baby was her. She then went on to explain her life story year by year (thankfully she is only 4 so it didnt take too long). Another classic was when one girl said about her mummy being in hospital and that she will visit mummy when the baby arrives, I asked her if she knew what the lady was called who was looking after her mummy, she said a midwaynurse. I said it was a midwife and that in a few years I will be a midwife. One little boy chirped in that his mummy was a nurse but only on special occasions she had a special uniform that she put on for daddy when she thought him and his brother were asleep but they peeped.
They thought nothing of it apart from that they were playing dress up.
They really are amazing are kids.
Sorry gone off on a tangent there but hey.
X

Hi Jenn, I don't go on any adoption message boards. I see my adoptive family as my own. I traced my birth mum when I was 15 after i rebelled and lost the plot. The first visit was a bit weird with the social worker present. No tears or hugs just a shy hi from us both. The second time I went on my own as she lives 5 mins walk from me!! The first thing she did was offer me a joint! As a 15yr old it seemed quite cool to have a cannabis smoking mum. I soon wised up and vowed never to go see her again. We bump into each other occasionally but we don't speak. She has no interest in me or my 2 daughters.

Last year I traced my birth father. Now it gets complicated!! bear with me. I found my bfather through genes reunited. Well actually contacted my half sis first. SHe was thrilled to hear from me. About 5 days later my bfather rang me and we chatted for hours. It felt amazing. Turned out he worked in the village I grew up in. I told my mil that I had found my bfather and her face dropped. Turned out I was the family secret and I was actually her niece!!! So I married my cousin without knowing. My mil knew all along and never told me. Anyway a few weeks after speaking to by bfather on the phone i recieved a text saying "im sorry cant talk anymore I love my wife too much" She had made him choose between us. I then recieved death threats from my other half sisters. Then he moved to cyprus without me knowing and thats the last I have heard about him. I am not allowed to talk about this with my in laws??

Oh god sorry to go on but feels good to get it out at last. Am actually crying now! Never actually told the whole story before......

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Susie.

My god, what you have been through! I am so very sorry for what has happened to you. My heart really does go out to you for so bravely posting that. I guess it is good to be able to talk about these things and am so pleased that you feel you can do that here.

How do you feel about everything now? Do you put it to the back of your mind? or have accepted it all and tried to move on?

Huge, hugs to you

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Sooz you are one helluva woman getting through this. Im glad it helped to get it out here, our staff forum is full of things like this theres summat about here that makes you talk... and feel better.

I was just saying on another thread how I hate it when adults behave like that, making your dad choose, whats the point? all it does is devestate you and will make him resent her for it in years to come if not already. You are here, you didnt ask to be born and they have to be the grown ups and deal with it, its not fair on you or the rest of the family to do so otherwise. Let me at that woman!!

Sounds like your birth mum has some issues of her own to deal with too.

I salute you super lady, you are an inspiration to many xx

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Christopher Robin in Pooh's Grand Adventure

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Want to contribute midwifery or SM2B articles to SMNET? If so, PM me with your thoughts/articles

Thanks smwife and TallPoppy.

It can still be hard to deal with sometimes. I'm thankful for the loving family I have now. My adoptive parents and brothers are amazing and I love them dearly. But I do sometimes feel abandoned. Not just as a baby, i can understand why she gave me up as she was only 14, but abandoned now as an adult or back as a vunerable teenager. I have been through so much more in my life that I think I am much stronger now and that is one of the main reasons I decided that I could do this course.

This place is amazing and I feel like I have made some real friends here, ones that will be friends for many years. I so look forward to meeting as many as I can in the future. Smwife so glad you are going to come to the Brighton meet.

Susie xx

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