How would you deal with this??

I watched a programme and the woman who had just given birth didn't want to hold her baby, not sure why but she had a normal pregnancy and was happy etc and then when the baby was born she didn't want to hold it?

There have been studies on Attachement and some theorists believe that the first 24 hours are vital for women to bond with their newborns.
It's interesting to me as when I had my daughter I was that tired from the drugs and couldn't move as I had a third tear that I didn't hold Ellie or feed her myself for nearly 24 hours. Nobody ever encouraged me either. The midwives would take her when she was crying and I was happy with that as I just wanted to sleep and was in a lot of pain but the other mums were so hands on, they looked so happy and peaceful.

Anyway I had a really tough time with her as a newborn and I really struggled to settle her. I sometimes felt that I was just doing my job, feeding her etc and I longed to feel for her what other mums felt for their baby, I wasn't depressed I just felt I didn't bond with her!! It sounds so awful this but now I absolutely love her to bits, I did then obviously but it's different now. I often wonder whether it is due to that "vital 24 hour" thing which the theorists suggest.

I haven't really told anybody this as it's so expected for women to totally bond with their baby and if I didn't then maybe somebody would have taken her from me!

Well sorry for the rant!! My question being, how do you deal with women who don't want to hold their children and don't seem to want to bond with them? Have you even ever seen this before?

x x x

I do not believe all women bond with their babies instantly, I also believe it must be hard to bond if the labour has been long and trumatic. I think that the midwives should have tried to enocourage skin to skin, as this may have helped.

I had a c-section with my daughter and I was told that bonding may be unlikely because I have not gone through the natural process of labour!! this is rubbish in my opinion I feel we bonded and we did have skin to skin,

I found it harder to bond with my first born at first, but I think this was only because of lack of experience on my behalf...(it seems soooo much easier second time round!!) I am sure you will find out yourself one day lol x x

Don't be to hard on yourself we all get there in the end,

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"Men who think that a woman's past love affairs lessen her love for them are usually stupid and weak. A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many."

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I think more should be done to let women know that only 40% of women actually feel that sudden rush of love - the rest of us just feel guilty when we don't!

I agree Norman, I didn't know it was only 40% but I do know more women who felt guilty for not feeling the instant bond than those who did. I was lucky enough to feel it with my two but my SIL did not and she suffered terrible PND which she would not admit to and had such a rough time dealing with my niece for such a long time (I think it may even have been for around a year) that even though she dotes on her now she will not consider ever having any more children because she is afraid of feeling the same way again, which is devastating for my brother and I think it is such a shame because had she had better postnatal care and not held herself to such high standards she would have coped much better.

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I think that every pregnancy and baby are different. With my first two babies (both c-sections) I bonded instantly with them (thats even with not seeing first baby until four hours after he was born). With my third baby I loved him instantly however the kind of bond I had with my first two was not there.
He was elective c-section and I truely believe he was just not ready to be born (he was a week early). Was not interested in breastfeeding so much so he did not have a proper feed in over 10 hours when he born, and when in recovery after c-section I asked for a bit of skin to skin he just cried and screamed as if he didn't want to be near me!
Both of my other babies were really good at breastfeeding taking to it like ducks to water, so it was a very new experience to me. I had a cry about it during the night while I was still in hospital and sort off pulled myself together the next morning reminding myself that all babies and births are different and not to try not to compare them.
Anyhow, he is the most loving baby always wanting mummy hugs and kisses now but it did take a couple of weeks to get 'the bond'. I think bonding is very individual to mother and baby. Its nobodies 'fault' its just the way things are and we as women have to break this cycle of guilt just because we don't fit into a average.

I didn't realise it was as high as 40% but I can understand some women just being plain work out after a difficult or long labour. I guess we just have to accept that it's a woman's individual choice and we have to respect her wishes....
I bonded with my eldest and did feel that rush of love, he was born at 32wks so I only got a quick cuddle before he was taken off to NICU but I always felt like he was mine. With my 2nd, I was quite down in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and was really struggling with having a full term pregnancy and an active 2 year old to run around after and as my due date grew nearer I started to panic and worry about the labour....it turned out that I had an awful time, very long labour, slow progress and ended up with an episitomy and kiwi delivery...I remember them putting this baby onto my chest and my husband crying with joy and saying that we'd had another little boy and I remember just feeling utterly despondent and exhausted....we never discussed how I felt at the time but we've recently talked about the whole birth experience and my OH said how he'd felt that I acted very "cold" after the birth...I love both my boys to bits now and wouldn't change a thing but I do feel very very guilty that I didn't bond at all well for several days with my youngest
xxx

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Karen
Currently doing access course part-time Yay! I'm on my way now